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Attorney Lavender has made a career
working with people moving through difficult life transitions. He
has published several articles on family mediation and conflict
resolution, and has been featured on public interest television,
radio talk shows and regional newspapers. He has assisted hundreds
of couples by sensitively educating and guiding them toward
equitable and better feeling settlements outside of the adversarial
legal system. Member of MA Council
of Family Mediation
DIVORCE MEDIATION:
My perspective Divorce is among
the most painful of life events. In addition to the loss of love,
companionship and financial upheaval, it brings to the surface our
always-nagging feelings of unworthiness. Our parents or our schools
never gave us the emotional tools and support necessary to live in
intimacy with another. So after the early romantic stage, many
decent, intelligent and well meaning couples find themselves in a
state of stagnation and disconnectedness -- each seeking to complete
the self that each secretly believes is lacking, and thereby
unawarely ascribing to the other the impossible task of making him
or her happy, and then contenting to live in a home with varying
levels of unexpressed and love-eroding resentment.
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Sage the Office
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If couples are unable or unwilling to each recognize the extent to
which his and her own fears and conditioning contributes to the
relationship’s inevitable difficulties, and are unwilling as allies to
challenge and explore together the emotional barriers to their love
through professional guidance, earnest self-help, or spiritual
exploration, then many by default choose the path of divorce. These
couples often have complex finances, young children, and lots of fear.
This very prevalent and hopefully evolving characteristic of human
relations deserves a more compassionate response from our legal system.
Our prevailing adversarial legal process is set up in a way that
maximizes fear. Each party is represented by lawyers whose job is to
characterize the other spouse as bad, blameworthy, and deserving of any
additional pain or suffering that he or she can convince the legal
system to inflict. “Winning” is often defined strictly in monetary
terms. Negotiation is usually each party’s using intimidation based
tactics that constantly up the ante while generating stratospheric legal
costs. Operating in an alien legal system, each spouse feels enormously
threatened and under attack by someone who knows him or her better than
anyone in the world. From that jittery place of derailed perspective,
people often do and say whatever it is they have to (or are advised to)
do and say in order to protect those things which they dread losing --
even if the truth is being bent a little, or a lot.
At the end of it all, after the judge has made his decision and the
lawyers have been paid, there you are, with your ex, having to
co-parent. Folks who have thusly been to war with each other tend to
minimize contact and communication relating to parenting and other
important issues, since each interaction feels so awful and toxic. This
is the springboard from which most couples launch their post-divorce
relationship.
Mediation is an attempt to provide a safe environment to discuss and
resolve difficult issues while recognizing the bottomless pit of using
attack or blame as a negotiating strategy. Couples must be willing to
stretch outside of one’s comfort zone for the benefit of the whole,
rather than the one. Each party must at least countenance the
perspective that it is as much in his or her self interest that the
other also have his or her needs met, since each party wisely seeks a
positive goal of a post-divorce relationship colored by a minimum of
relational negativity. Children are profoundly benefited by parents who
adopt this viewpoint.
The most important quality of a mediator is his or her ability to remain
present and compassionate in response to either client’s anger, greed or
hurt, however unskillfully expressed. If a client feels judged by a
mediator, he or she will not feel safe and will remain defensive and
shut down. If a client does feel safe, he or she becomes more open and
receptive to the more objective legal and attitudinal offerings of the
mediator.
There are many legal and financial issues involved in divorce. Many
couples’ profiles have reasonably predictable judicial outcomes.
Although a mediator’s job is not to act as judge or to pigeonhole a
couple into any particular financial outcome, a mediator does have an
obligation to tactfully educate the couple as to legal and financial
matters. Thus, if a couple’s comfort level during mediated sessions can
be delicately managed – and if this can take place within the context of
safety which allows for the expression of difficult emotions -- then a
mediator has a very good chance of structuring a wide range of financial
and child care arrangements which will be acceptable to both the couple
and to the court.
Though considerably less expensive than litigation, mediation is not for
everyone. Mediation is a poor choice for couples who lack trust in the
other’s financial disclosure. Mediation presumes full, honest, and
complete financial disclosure. If this is absent, mediation can hurt
you, and I would advise against it. Also, many couples are not on the
same page as to the fact of divorce, and often one party would rather
seek reconciliation. A mediator can only divorce two participating
people, and it is my experience that the person who wishes a speedy
process becomes frustrated with mediation since it can only proceed as
fast as the party who doesn’t want the divorce and who participates
grudgingly.
Life is not what it is supposed to be, it is the way it is. Divorce and
relational conflict are part of our human condition. It doesn’t mean
that we’re bad people or personal failures, it just means we’re doing
the best we can given the state of our society’s social development
which models to our disadvantage how to deal with conflict. If divorce
becomes the only solution, mediation encourages a wise recognition that
each party fundamentally wants the same as the other -- which is their
children’s love, peace of mind, financial well-being, and the avoidance
of painful and unnecessary family trauma.
Michael L.
Lavender
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